Scars
by prin69
Summary: We can only hold the pain in for so long. beka rhade
1. Default Chapter

**NOTE TO ALL READERS:**

**This story is a very angsty piece. I started writing it when I was having a bad day. It started as a piece to explain how I feel. And ended up being this chapter. So I hope you guys like this story. If not, oh well. **

**But as I feel really attached to it, I will ask that no one trash it in reviews. It's an expression. Please don't kill my expressions.**

**I do have depression and other 'problems'. While this story is it's own piece, it's also a reflection on the problems of living with depression, and living around those who have it. However, it is a little one sided. As I do not know how those around me may feel, I do know how _I_ feel they feel. So characters in the story may not have accurate reactions. **

**This story does include ideas of depression, suicide, and possibly rape. I will say at the beginning of a chapter if it does have themes of suicide, rape, or other strong violence. And I will do a quick re-cap of what occurred in that chapter at the beginning of the next if someone does not want to read said chapter. Just say so in your review.**

**This chapter contains violence. It also occurs later in the story. Chapter one (next chapter) happens before this chapter (epilogue) ever occurs.  It's like a flash/preview into the future. So a slightly varied version of this will appear later.  Any confusion on what I just said, say so in the review and I'll try to explain it better at the beginning of the next chapter.**

**I would also really like reviews. I'm putting a lot into this story and making myself feel very vulnerable at certain times as some thoughts, ideas, and actions of Beka's are ones that I have had/done, and continue to have/do myself. **

**I would like some positive feedback. And like I said before, please no mean reviews. I can be very sensitive and they will make me cry. Only corrections on spelling and mistakes I may make about drom related topics are welcome criticisms.  **

**The chapter is in Beka's point of view. If it ever switches to someone else I will tell you. If I don't say who it is, assume its Beka talking/thinking.**

**Thank you.                        **

Scars

Epilogue

I'm lying bleeding on the floor. The room is stained in red. The dagger plunges deeper. Cuts and twirls. My torturer gives a tiny smile.

'You brought this upon yourself.'

I'm dared to scream from this overwhelming urge. But even though the pain is everywhere, I make not a sound. The anguish will remain my own.

'You deserve this suffering.'

As salt is pored from my assailant's hand into my wounds I hiss slowly, quietly, from the burns.

'You hurt them. You betrayed them. They trusted you. How could you let them down? You failed them. You deserve this.'

It's all my fault they lie dead and broken because of me.

'You deserve suffering.'

I'm a traitor.

'I'll make you pay. You'll die slow and alone, just like them. Just like him.'

Banging sounds outside my door. I can hear my friends muffled voices screaming for me. Fear grips me.

Why am I not relieved? They have come to save me. Don't I want to be saved? To find relief?

'They won't get you. You can't be saved. This is your solace now.'

The blade goes in. deeper this time. He bursts through the door. Growling through anger and frustration. I've gotten good at knowing what all of his different growls mean. The others are right behind him.

I let out my first cry of pain as I feel the dagger twitch deeper at their arrival. At his arrival.

'Don't. You deserve the pain. You brought it upon yourself.'

They look at me.

Shocked.

Hurt.

But I can see anger bubbling beneath.

"Beka."

He says my name. So much pain. So much anguish. I never knew one word could hold so much emotion.

He deserves better then me.

I should tell him. But I feel so weak. Everything is so blurry. I feel numb. Almost blissful, swirling between pain and nothingness.

I blink.

"I'm sorry", I say to him.

Dylan steps attentively toward me. He starts to speak. Slowly and carefully, fearfully. Like you would to a stray dog.

"Beka. Beka, put the knife down."

Now I'm confused. Behind Dylan he stands, and I look at him.

I look back to Dylan. He's still standing there, unsure of what to do. My name still on his tongue. Bewildered by my confusion.

Dylan takes a slow step forward.

I feel the knife plunge deeper.

And I would have cried, but my tears were silent inside. I was too weak to let them out. All my energy was gone.

All of them are talking now. With calm voices, but I can feel more then hear the fear beneath their words.

I turn to my torturer, punisher. And I see her face for the second time since this blood covered reward for my bad deeds began.

As I look I almost gasp at the reflection in my shattered mirror. The blood stained hair. Crimson liquid falling from my lips.

I look down and see a shard of glass clutched so tightly in my hand that it embedded itself through the skin.

Funny how I didn't notice the pain from that before now.

My hand is shaking. Its pale white, half soaked in blood. The contrast hurts my aching eyes. I look away. Back to my face.

As I look into my dead eyes, I have to glance away quickly. The lack of light scares me. That devoid, haunted look is hard to look at.

I look at my face instead.

I feel the shard of mirror taken away from me. Must be Dylan. He was the closest.

He stands, staring at me through the mirror.

I stare back at him.

I wonder what he sees when he sees me. My eyes, does he see their lack of life? Of hope? Does he know it's too late for me? Or does he want to save me still?

I sigh.

I already know the answer.

How could he want me still? Now? After all I've done?

He is the last thing I am aware of.

His eyes shining with anguished disappointment as my world fades to black, and I hear his pained voice softly, in a faraway distance.

" Beka, no…"


	2. chapter 1

Evilly long Author's Note, I apologize, but if you have the patience, it explains some things that were asked. If not, then just skip through it.

**I'm back with this story! And yes, it will be a multi-chapter story.**

**Okay, so I meant prologue, not epilogue. Sorry 'bout that, I had a lack of caffeine that day. Anyways, that chapter happened somewhere in the middle of this story. It's like (now don't laugh) the movie (I'm serious here) ' The Emperor's New Groove'. Where in the beginning you see the llama rained on, then it tells the story and in the end of the movie you see the llama rained on again, and then the story continues a little from there and then ends. Hope that made sense, it did in my head.**

**And the voice that was talking to Beka in the last chapter was Beka. She was thinking, and the voice inside her head was answering in 'all the words like this'. Ya know, like when you have conversations with yourself? Or answer yourself? 'Cept only her mind was talking. She was using that voice to make herself face up to some of the things she hated about herself, but let the voice get carried away and form a mind of it's own.**

**I'm dedicating this story to the ever-wonderful **Miikka**, my e-mail buddy, and excellent friend, who rox and rambles like no other in such a cool way! And for** Jade Rhade**, for being the first person ever to call me normal, which was really cool.**

**Some things that happen in here may not seem like something a person would do. But trust me, they are. Some instances have actually occurred involving me, people I know, and articles that I have read. I did do some research for this, shocking I know, work of my own free will.**

**Takes place** Season 4**, before Arkology (sp?), but I may or may not use information that we have learned in season 5 (like Rhade's family that died).**

**If you don't want to read something in a chapter, or if I'm confusing, please e-mail me and I'll sum it up or try to explain it better. My e-mail is on my profile, but if you're lazy like me it tebes 22 at AOL dot COM. Or I can e-mail you if you leave me yours, just space it out (like I did) or it won't show up in the review. And please put a title like 'scars', 'fanfic', or something so I don't think it's Spam or some chat room crazy person who decided to stalk me.**

**Also, my one friend told me that I have to give this warning so**

**_WARNING: this story may act as a trigger. Do not read if you believe that you may act upon/copy some things done in this story. It does contain ideas of ways to harm one's self. Please do not try them._**

**Thank you for reading this (if you did) and please enjoy the chapter and review.**

I'm going away from the 16th to the 20th to my grandparents' house in Florida. I will not be able to get online while I'm there.

Also, I was wondering if somebody would be willing to Beta this story for me. For a while I didn't even know what that was, but now I do! So if anyone wouldn't mind/wants to, please let me know in a review.

**Scars**

**Chapter 1**

_Dear Journal,_

_I can't believe I actually have a journal. But, well, Rev gave it to me and told me to write down my feeling as it would make me feel better since I'm not able to say everything that I want to say out loud. And since it's my last day here and I haven't written anything yet, and I know Rev knows that he's making me feel guilty, …hi! I'm so not good at this._

_How about I just tell you why I'm here? Would that work?_

_Well, you see my good friend and the man that I felt so much for went crazy and gave me up as a sacrifice so that he could get in an evil entity's good grace. And still even now I can't hate him. I'm too hurt. The man I knew wouldn't do that. He, he may not have felt for me what I thought he did, and maybe, maybe I don't feel for him anymore what I thought I did, but, we were friends, once. And I don't like letting my friendships go. Everyone expects me to hate him, and I have a new co-worker who doesn't even try to hide his disgust. And everyone walks on eggshells around me._

_I just can't believe how much he changed._

_And then as if that didn't cut deep enough, the evil entity was hiding inside of me and used me to try to kill my other friends._

_So that, coupled with the truth of her coming out to the new co-worker, Rhade, another neitzschean, and a few other stressful things, I had a teeny tiny miniscule breakdown where I might have maybe completely destroyed a bar and I got sent here._

_So I've been staying with my old buddy Rev and his friends, a bunch of other wayist monks._

_On a planet._

_How that part of it was supposed to be relaxing and stress free escapes me. But hey, vacation time with pay, what girl's gunna argue with that?_

_And the planet isn't all that bad. I only go outside a couple times a day usually. Rev has woken me up to watch some sunrises, and I have to admit stars are pretty when you're looking up at them instead of around at them. And sometimes I join the monks on evening bonfires, who knew the robed guys knew how to make a perfect smore?_

_Sometimes I've just walked around for some exercise, I hate being cooped up with nothing to do for so long. It lets my mind wander and I don't like my thoughts._

_But so yeah, I'm leaving today and going back._

_I get to see my baby!_

_That's right, you heard me, the Maru was taken from me. Apparently while I was staying here I had to 'relax in a new surrounding, it will be more beneficial. Besides, I'd just spend the entire time on the Maru if I had it'._

_First of all, my baby is NOT, I repeat NOT, an 'it'._

_And I wouldn't have spent the whole time, just probably almost all of the time at the beginning and then only nights and junk at the end. But whatever. I'm leaving in a few hours, so I have to write really quickly here what I've learned so that Rev doesn't give me that look that says 'Rebecca it would have helped, I want to help, why didn't you let me help you'. Most people, I ignore this look. But this is Rev we're talking about here._

_He's my friend, my family, and someone who understands how I feel._

_He has always wanted to prove that his existence is worthy, and that the woman that he calls mother did not die vain. He has struggled and bleed for what he believes and to try to become a better being. He wanted to make it all worth it, he just wants me, and everyone else, to be happy._

_All I ever wanted to do as a kid was make my dad proud._

_Now it's like I want Rev to be 'proud' of me. Not I a normal 'make 'em proud kid' kinda sense. But more like a 'live up to the person that he says I can be and do the things he thinks I'm capable of' kinda proud._

_But anyway, back to what I've learned while I was here._

_Um, let's see. Well, I've learned how to make a near perfect smore._

_I know, that's not what I'm supposed to have learned._

_Well, I don't really know what I've learned. It's sort of like I've just been repressing everything and denying that anything ever happened this whole time that I've been here and then when I go back to Andromeda, that's the ship I work on, everything will just come crashing down around and I'll be left alone in the rubble._

_I'm always so alone._

_You see, I've always helped and protected others. And while I do need some help and some protection and I used to cry at night wishing I had someone take care of me the way I took care of my Dad and Raif, I'll ever admit that to anyone. That's just not the way I work. I can't show weakness, and neediness is a weakness._

_Majorly._

_So I did learn one thing, which leads me back to my thoughts._

_I was working the kitchens, not all that bad of a cook by the way. I mean I did have to cook for my Dad and Raif all those years, with very little food and money, which is pretty hard to do. And then Harper, well, he can cook too, he had to know how too cook almost anything as well growing up on Earth. Not much food to pick from. But spices make him sneeze, and I swear the kid can get a food standing in front of an open fridge for a minute._

_But so I was working in the kitchen and chopping vegetables and I got bumped from behind as two of the monks who work in the kitchens, excellent chefs by the way, bumped into me and my knife slipped. It slid and cut my hand. So of course I was rushed to the hospital area with washcloths held to me by one monk and the other apologizing to no end. But it was sort of all in a blurry rush. It didn't even hurt, and normally wounds hurt. But it was like it sorta did but not really._

_I had been thinking about all the crap that I've gone threw, I was just starting to think about when Sid kidnapped me and forced me to do flash. And then when it slipped from me carrots, which I envisioned as Sid's neck, to my hand and I saw the red pouring out looking so bright against my now somewhat less paler skin my rage slipped away._

_I felt better._

_It was like the weight was lifted off of me and I was just like 'Oh'._

_And then I got to the medical room and they fixed it all up, apologized that they couldn't give me pain killers because of my drug addictions, but I was stuck on that one moment where everything seemed, just so much, OKAY._

_And yes, that's bad, very, very, bad._

_But it was just a fluke. Or so I thought._

_Making smores one night I got 'clumsy' and poked myself with a stick that the marshmallows are roasted on and as the metal slipped threw me I got this rush, like slipstreaming or flash or really great sex. One the way back to get me to medical it got jostled around in my skin, as it was too deep to pull out, and it was like I liked it._

_The pain was home._

_But Rev was looking at me funny after they took it out, I don't think he thinks it was an accident. But it was harmless really. He won't tell Dylan though, I know he won't. so I can continue my experiment. See if it really works and isn't just some weird funky planet thing._

_Well, I can hear someone coming, time to head out now._

_But don't worry; Rev said I could keep you to write don my thoughts no matter where I am. And I'm writing you in an old language that's mostly forgotten that my dad taught me. He said it's the native tongue of the original country his family's from. So not everyone will be able to read you. And I'll keep you updated. Promise, and this is a Valentine that always keeps her promises._

_Bye bye Mr. Journal._

_Rebecca B. Valentine_

**_o o o o o o o o o o o o o oo o o o o o o o _**

Rhade stepped off of the slip fighter and onto the grass and dirt of the planet. A tiny place far off from any other planet or drift. Perfect for a Wayist monastery to perch among hills, forests, and polls of shining blues with rivers flowing along merrily. He saw Rev up ahead, easily recognizable if not only from memory, but that fact that he was the only magog among the group of religious men.

As he got farther away the slip fighter took off and flew its preprogrammed course back the Andromeda as planned, he would take the Maru back with Beka.

Speaking of which, he didn't she her in the group coming to meet him. He wondered if she knew that Dylan didn't want her flying back alone.

When he and the group met the men bowed at the waist, he bowed back, and the magog shook his hand as the moved to the building, making small talk as they went.

**_o o o o o o o o o o o o o oo o o o o o o o _**

Beka followed the monk out of her room as she walked slowly down the hall, trailing her fingers along it. As much as she hated to admit it, she was actually doing to miss this place. It was nice to get away and relax for a while.

While she was staying here for the last two months she wasn't a first officer or a big sister or a pilot. She was simply 'Beka'. Someone she got to be less and less these days it seemed.

She sighed as she made her way into the front hall to say goodbye to everyone, the monk already outside with her bags. She had slowed down as they were walking.

She walked in to see Rhade talking to a few of the monks, he seemed tense and tired. When she continued to walk towards them, he noticed her presence however and when he looked over at her, quickly glancing from her head to toe and then back to her face again, he visibly relaxed, and then smiled at her.

"Beka," he said warmly.

"Rhade," she smirked at him, "Dylan sending me my babysitter so soon is he? I thought I would get at least until I was out of the planet's orbit before he started to play Daddy."

"Yes, well, he didn't want you coming back alone. Besides, we have moved location since you left, and yes you could find out where, but I suppose he didn't want you to be alone. And I volunteered to come. Although I did have to threaten, growl at, and forcibly remove Harper from my slip fighter to keep him from coming as well."

Beka smile and chuckled. She had missed Harper so much. For some reason no one here liked her jokes that began 'so a monk walks into a bar…'.

"So time to go home then."

"Leaving without saying goodbye Rebecca?"

She turned around and saw Rev standing in the doorway with a package, Rhade excused himself and said he'd be in the Maru as she said her goodbyes. She was thankful for that, she didn't want anyone to see her all teary eyed and sad.

"I'm going to miss you Rev. Promise to come visit soon?"

"Of course Rebecca," he smiled at her, " so long as you promise to come back and visit this 'hellish dust ball' of mine." They both chuckled, those were the same words she had used to complain about the first day when she stepped out of her ship and the wind blew dirt all over her. " I want you to take this, I believe that it will help you to stay calm while you go about your duty on Andromeda." He passed something wrapped up in a cloth to her.

"Thank you."

"I need no thanks. Only tell everyone how much I miss them, and I am sorry that I can not leave to come up with you, but I believe that I m still needed here."

She nodded at him, and switched from leaning on one foot to the other. "I'm, I'm, um, just, take care Rev. Even though you aren't on ship with me anymore, and Dylan gets to be captain, you're still my crew. And my crew is my family. And I don't ever want my family hurt."

Rev looked at her and said his words slowly, "You are my family as well Rebecca, and as such I do not wish to see you in pain."

"Rev…."

"Rhade is waiting for you. When you are in need of my counsel and I can not be reached, I believe that my gift to you will suffice."

They stepped forward and hugged each other tightly. One afraid to let go for fear of loosing the thread they shared. The other afraid to let go for fear of the binding that held the first together would crumble and fall.

"I'm going to miss you Rev."

"And I you."

They slowly released their hold and Beka walked outside to return to her life, and all that it entailed.

Rev went to his room, to pray.

**_o o o o o o o o o o o o o oo o o o o o o o _**


	3. chapter 2

**Thank you so much for the amazing reviews. You guys rock, and it's nice to people like what I write, especially when I like it myself. Please keep reviewing! I'll try to make the chapters longer after this. **

**Also, many thanks to my new beta, Thought. **

**Scars  
Chapter 2**

When Beka stepped onto the _Maru_ she went straight to her pilot's chair and saw the co-ordinates already plugged in. All that was left to do was for her to fly them out of there. She sat down, strapped in, and took them off the planet.

Flying into space and shooting past stars she felt all the tension that had seeped under skin glide away. She was still nervous about going back, but all she was thinking about now was which jump came next in the slipstream.

From behind her, Rhade watched as she visibly relaxed entering her element. He had to smile; he had missed having a pilot such as her around. The _Andromeda_ had gotten into quite a few tough scrapes in those 2 months without their star pilot to guide them out. Not that that was all he missed about her. With Beka gone he realized how he did not mesh with the crew. Dylan was still the same, although they had gotten closer, the Captain replacing Beka on a few missions as his partner. And his "hero worship" as the rest called it had gone down a bit. But just a bit, he was raised learning about the man as a champion after all. Rommie was the same, still the ship's AI, and still friendly but not sure what to make of him as the third neitzschean to serve a high position on her crew; The first two having betrayed her, her Captain, and her crew. Harper was, well, he couldn't really tell. The man was evasive, he still cracked jokes, but he seemed to be a bit wary. It felt like Harper only liked him when Beka was around. Surely Harper didn't think he was going to turn out like Tyr, did he?

Either way, Rhade had never realized before how much he depended on Beka. They had coffee together every morning. It started out as him showing up and drinking tea at her table as she mocked him for his 'sissy girly drink', soon after he switched to coffee. But not so soon as to make her believe he did it so she would stop taunting him. Which he did, but he would never give her the benefit of knowing that. And she let him believe that she believed his lie.

So every morning they would meet. Some days he would share his childhood, days at the academy, his nieces and nephews. Other days she would tell him the ship gossip, rumors that were flying around, dirty jokes Harper had told her the day before. On his favorite days he would come in and she would be sitting so still and just holding her cup of coffee. He would sit down opposite her and she would look up at him, smile, and lean in. A laugh would escape her lips and she'd go off on some tale of her reckless and crazy brother, her own reckless childhood and her days of salvaging before the _Andromeda_. She would tell her favorite stories of her dad, how none of them saw her mother's departure coming, her dad when she had to take care of him and he was too flash fried to know who she even was. A story or two were ex-boyfriends, but she didn't want to really talk about them. It was fine with Rhade; he didn't really want to hear how much they meant to her.

Everyday he found himself looking forward more and more to their little coffee meets and more and more scared for her when they were separated on a mission. He glared at the men she met in bars, scared a few of them off when she went to the ladies room as well. He never questioned, never thought about why he was doing this, he just did it. And ignored the little voice in his head that said it was more than friendly concern.

Besides, what would the little voice know anyway? It wasn't smart enough to have it's own body, it lived in his head!

Rhade's thoughts were interrupted there as they exited slipstream for the last time, and the _Andromeda Ascendant_ came into view.

The view screen went from black to showing the image of Dylan standing behind the slipstream section of the command deck. "Welcome back Beka, Rhade."

"Dylan, permission to come aboard."

"Permission granted. You know, one of these days I'm going to say denied just to see the look on your face."

His response was a raised eyebrow from Rhade and rolled eyes from Beka.

The view screen clicked out and they slid inside the hanger bay, the _Maru's_ thrusters shutting down. Beka undid her belt and hopped out of the chair. The two walked to the _Maru's_ exit and stepped out into the _Andromeda's_ hanger bay.

"Welcome home, Beka. We all missed you."

"The Maru is my home, Rhade. But thanks; it's good to be back. And hopefully I'll get to hit somebody real soon cause all that peace as getting on my nerves."

Rhade's laughter echoed throughout the room, following them, and comforting Beka.


End file.
